hot showers fog up the bathroom's mirrors. the one over the sink only shows my face, so i wipe it off. the next mirror shows my full body. i am too ashamed to look at it.
the rolls on my stomach when i sit or the way my clothes don't anymore.
an oil for stretch marks sits on my dresser. i don't use it at all. i want to remove the imperfections. the ugly. they feel like indents, stamped onto my thighs.
i became a stranger in my own body. the mirror was a reflection of everything i didn't want to be. i thought about the hourglass figure i could have had. the curves in all the right places. something i could only dream of.
i had gained weight over the lockdown. i was too tired, too stressed to worry about losing it. i
never cared. i can't be touched on my ribcage. i try to hug myself every day to remind myself i
am beautiful. i try every day to love myself. it gets easier.
"fuck working out. i don't have time for it"
"the start of this month."
"i will do it next week."
"tomorrow, you will do it. wake up at 6 am."
maybe one day i won't cry. maybe one day.
right now, i have learned that bodies change over time. they adapt to keep you alive. they are beautiful. it's custom-made. it's unique. no one else will have. show it, love, don't abuse it. it's ok to gain and lose weight. it's ok. i have learned the appreciate the little things about my body. that was made for me and no one else.
yes, i still wear baggy clothes to hide under the fabric. but some days i put on a bodycon dress and wear it in my room for 5 minutes or longer and stare at myself. i smile and appreciate my body. that it works and keeps me alive. it's a long way to go, but each day, i learn to love it all, piece by piece.
piece by saige cooke (@_saigecooke_)
photo by athena merry (@goldrosecrown)
Commentaires